Saturday, 30 July 2011

It's funny, but it's true; it's true, but it's not funny

Since Helen was dead brave and honest below me, I thought I'd do the same and work out why I'm here and what I want from this.
I'm not calling it a diet either, for the simple reason that I know when something is forbidden to me I rebel like a twatty surburban teenager, except with Twixes this time, rather than badly-applied eyeliner. And my bizarre relationship with food, by the by.

There's very little time in my life when I've not been at least chubby. I went toddler-chubby>bookish child who was shit at sport>fat teenager who was able to eat shit for the first time in her life and went overboard. If I'm absolutely honest, looking back, perhaps I absorbed some food issues during my childhood. We didn't eat sweets and had a pretty sugarfree and lowfat diet. I'm sure my parents were doing the best by us at the time, but a low-fat sugarfree diet in the early 90s (and now!) means gallons of artificial sweeteners and Flora, ie, the shit that I now know puts weight on me like nothing else.
So, when I went to secondary school and could eat loads of crisps and crap, I did, to a ridiculous degree. By the time I was in 2nd year at uni, I was over 13 stone and a size 16/18 at 5 foot 3. Sadface.

But then! I left the country, and went to work abroad for a while. A combination of being poor, having no oven and living with someone who had food issues meant I lost a lot of weight; about 3 stones in 6 months. For the first time in my life I looked normal, felt I could wear nice clothes etc. The downside of being able to feed yourself for €10 a week means that it's not very varied. I lived on muesli for breakfast, a couple of biscuits from the tin at work for lunch, lentils with other veg for tea; yoghurt for dessert. Tap water to drink. Every day for a year except Sundays. It sounds boring, but I LOVED it. I felt healthy,  energetic, all that.I also felt as if I was worth something, for once.

But I had to come back, and that diet is unsustainable here, because veg are so much more expensive in the UK, but also because I moved back to my parents', and most of the control over meals was understandably removed from me. However, I managed to stay at that weight for a long while.

But....this year has been difficult in a lot of ways. To cut an already overlong story short, I got ill in the last year of my University degree, and no one could fix me. It turned out to be an allergy; incredibly minor in the scale of things, but it meant I was in pretty much constant pain for about 6 months. But because I looked normal, no one realised it was debilitating to me. Eventually all the NHS could suggested was to man up, stop moaning, and celibacy. By this time I had been with my new boyfriend for about 7 months, during  6 of which he'd put up with me doing my best nun impression to try and stop the pain. When the doctors told me that there was nothing they could do, I kind of fell apart. In my mind, not only was I in pain, but it wasn't ever going to stop, I was going to lose the man I loved and I could never be normal. (Drama queen, I know) And therefore I ate crap, in an attempt to feel better.

So here we are. I managed to fix myself through a last-ditch idea, woop! So no more pain for the moment. However I've put on about a stone in a year. I'm probably about 11 and a half.

I will never be skinny; I have a genetically large arse, and PCOS, so I will never have,never have had, a flat stomach. I can accept that. But when I look at myself now, all I see is acres of fat. I hate myself for going backwards, so scared of going  back to how I was. I spent my teenage years in clothes that suited me, that I was told were suitable for my figure, but clothes that were boring and safe, from M&S, Next, etc. The joy of being thinner was/is being able to buy vintage, unconventional clothes that I liked as per my personality. Maybe I still can; I don't know, because I daren't try.  I'm 22. I have 2, 3, 5 years max until I'm too old to shop in Topshop and H&M and "young" shops. Before I have to dress "nicely" again. It's the idea that I'm too fat to enjoy my youth and it's my own fault which hurts and disgusts me the most.

I'm doing Olympfit because I have to change this. Too much of my life has been spent in depression and self-loathing. It might not work, but my pals are doing it with me and if I know anything I know that they are some of the world's most supportive people. So I have nothing to lose.


  1. Well done Franco. We are all here for each other and that is a wonderful feeling. xx

  2. * applauds*
    Brave and Honest Lise xx